Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Foot in Mouth Disease

I have probably suffered from Foot in Mouth disease my entire life, but it has become more pronounced in the last few years. This is probably due in part to my ever increasing age and my shrinking ability to care what people think.

My friends and family know this about me very well. If you can be offended, I will offend you. If you're sensitive about something, I will comment on it. This comment will be offensive to everyone, not just you. I can't help it. My mouth opens and words come out and then I think about the words coming out of my mouth. This is one of the reasons I prefer to shop alone. This may also be the reason that the only person who ever asks me to go shopping with her is my mother.

So obviously, I'm headed towards a story. Here it is!

I was at Sam's the other day. Sam's would be the large wholesale cousin of Wal-Mart. There is a clothing section in the middle of the store. I was already irritated with the boys, so they were sitting in the shopping cart and were reasonably quiet.

The fact that my children were in the basket and being reasonably quiet must have made this poor, unsuspecting woman think that I was a good person to ask for an opinion. Or she was on crack, because I wouldn't ask me for my opinion. So she asks me if the short sleeved, long waisted cardigan is too tight on her.

Who in their right mind asks a perfect stranger a question like that????

So I looked at her and tried to give her an honest opinion.

"I'm really not the right person to ask because I don't like those sweaters. Unless you have really thin arms, they don't look good."

That entire phrase came out of my mouth. I didn't just think it. I said it. And then I realized what I said. What I said was a thinly veiled "Your arms are too fat for that sweater."

And then I stopped talking. I just looked at her. She looked at me. And then, like I hadn't said anything at all, she said,

"But is it too tight in the middle?"

I had to remind myself to speak. I told her "No. It's not too tight. It looks fine."

And then I walked hurriedly away.

I'm thinking about wearing a sign around my neck when I go out, warning passersby not to ask my opinion.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


The munchkins have finally made it to kindergarten!! They are still attending the same private school where they attended preschool and will have the same teachers they've had for the last 2 years, so we have added new responsibilities to their daily life to make this transition more momentous.

1. They have started getting an allowance!!

It's only $5.00 per week, but how much money does a 5 year old kid really need? They are earning this allowance by picking up their toys at night, taking their dishes to the sink every evening, and putting their clothes in the hamper at night. They've been doing most of these chores for a while, but we decided rewarding the partcipation in household chores would provide more incentive to do them.

My motivation for starting the munchkins with an allowance so soon is because I do not want to have teenagers who do not understand the value of money. My brother and I first received an allowance starting at age 5 and I turned out ok. (Love you J!)

2. They got their first alarm clocks!!

My Aunt Karen suggested this. (I am using her name, even without her permission, because I have no dirt on her.) My Aunt Karen had a girlfriend who gave her children an alarm clock before they started kindergarten and her kids learned how to wake up to an alarm clock very early.

My motivation here should be obvious. I do not want to be the snooze button for a couple of teenagers. Or college age boys living at home (Brother B!!).

3. We got them laced tennis shoes.

This one isn't going so well. Big Daddy Awesome and I both learned how to tie our shoes in kindergarten, so we decided they needed to learn how. This one requires patience on the part of the parents.

So far, the boys are standing up very well to their new challenges.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Momma Law #1

Growing up in the south, there were certain things my mother insisted upon. There were the usual instructions like, DO NOT EMBARASS ME IN PUBLIC! and NO CURSING IN PUBLIC! and NO FIGHTING IN PUBLIC! There was one rule however, which was specific to me because I was the only girl.


When I was younger, this simply meant wearing pantyhose with a dress. I started wearing pantyhose when I was all of 14 years old. Then I put on a little weight and the spandex turned into those biker shorts with a high waist to keep the tummy looking flat in addition to control top pantyhose.

Then I ate myself into a size "OH MY GOD I'M HUGE". Because of my enormouse size, I have suffered a new level of humiliation related to Momma's Law #1. I had to buy and wear my first girdle. Life is now hard and a diet will be coming very quickly to my belly.

I would blame it on my kids, but I got down to a really cute size 6 after they were born. The only thing I can really blame on them are my stretch marks.

Now, you can all thank me for not posting a picture of my stretch marked belly or the girdle!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Swimming Lessons

I need to apologize in advance for the title of this entry because it is not as innocuous as it sounds.

Now I need to apologize because the story is not quite that gross.

The munchkins are in swim lessons now. Finally. Ok, yes, I am a negligent mother. They are 5 1/2 years old, practically ready to move out, and I've just now gotten them into swim lessons. But finally, finally, they are learning how to swim.

Before I really get into this story, think about all of the pools you've ever been in. Have you ever seen a kid get out of the water to go to the bathroom? Have you ever seen an adult get out of the water to go to the bathroom? You are not at church and confessions are not necessary.

So, munchkins, at the pool, swimming, being their usual charming selves. And over to the edge of the yard, there is a little, plastic kiddie pool. A little girl leaves the main pool and goes and sits in the pool and then gets back up and goes back into the main pool. A few minutes later, the girl's sister goes and sits on the edge of the plastic kiddie pool and very obviously relieves her bladder. All of the adult laugh at her. The wheels in Logan's head start to spin. Logan gets out of the big pool and walks over to the plastic pool. Logan stands at the edge of the pool, drops his trousers and relieves himself.

What can I say? The boy is smart. He didn't want to sit in a pool full of urine or even get his feet in the pool.