Stories in the car

Warning! If you have a queasy stomach, or have never been in the presence of little boys, you may want to skip this story. You have been warned.


So my husband (who has given himself the name "Big Daddy Awesome" and will now be the name I use for him here) and I and the boys went on a little adventure today that involved being in the car for quite a while. On the trip back home, it was dark, so I told the munchkins they couldn't play their video games and they needed to go to sleep. They asked for books. I told them they couldn't read books because it was dark. They asked me to tell them a story. I told them no. (Do you see a trend here?) They turned on Big Daddy Awesome. Big Daddy Awesome told them to settle down because he had a great story for them.

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There once was a castle near here. The castle was ruled by Princess Louise. (Uncontrollable snickering and giggling start, the little demons.) And Princess Louise was known for her farting. (more giggling) That morning, Princess Louise had beans and rice for breakfast.

Princess Louise decided to go out among her subjects that day. It was custom for the subjects to bow as Princess Louise walked past them. This unfortunately put their noses right at the level of her toots! And her toots were so bad that the subjects would all say, "Good morning Princess Louise!" and then they would vomit because of the smell. (How bad did the farts smell Daddy?)

Well, her farts smelled like someone had vomited, then ate it, then pooped it out, ate it again, vomited it out, ate it again, and then farted!

Can you hear the giggling? It was uncontrollable!

But Princess Louise had a secret. At night, after all of her subjects were asleep, Princess Louise would go out into the streets and eat all of the vomit from her subjects had vomited earlier in the day, which had baked under the hot sun all day.

And did she die?

WHAT!?!?!

No, no, she didn't die from that.

Well, when is she going to die?

A few days later, Princess Louise had closed herself up in her bedroom, sated from all of the vomit she had eaten. She was farting and sniffing the farts to her hearts content. And, the power went out. The servants went through the castle lighting candles to provide light. A servant opened the door to Princess Louise's room and lit a match to light a candle. All of the methane and gas that had collected in the room all day exploded, scorching everything in a ten mile radius!

And then did she die?

Well, Princess was never seen or heard from again. But the residents of a town a few miles away tell of huge mushroom cloud in the sky, and then an absence of the odor from her farts, so she must be dead!

Uncontrollable giggling again!

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Yes, I do realize the irony of including this kind of story in a cooking blog!