A few months ago, when Mom was first planning her trip, we talked about what all she was going to do on this fantastic vacation. One of the things she had planned was a hike up Mount Sinai. As I laid down in bed that night, I had a powerful vision of her being pushed on the trail up the mountain by a small, older Asian woman. I freaked out! I called her immediately and told her about the vision.
Small disclaimer here: I do occasionally have visions, but they only concern my mother. If you were thinking about asking me to look into your future, I'm sorry. If you're not my Momma, it just won't work.
I've had visions about mom in the past that have come true. She's asked me to tell her about all of my visions so she can decide if she's going to change her plans accordingly. She decided, based on my vision, to not climb Mount Sinai.
I finally got to see mom tonight and she told me about all of the cool things she saw and did. It turns out that you can climb some of the pyramids. One of the first days of the trip, her whole group climbed up one of these pyramids. (I'm not a very good blogger because I forgot to ask her which pyramid they climbed.) Her group was going up the path the way the trail guides showed them to go. There were people all around going the wrong way up the path and climbing straight up. And a small Asian woman (mom said Japanese though I forgot to ask how she knew that) started pushing people out of the way and trying to force them off the path so her husband could take her picture from below. One woman in mom's group even got pushed all the way down and broke her finger! The armed guide with mom's group saw the commotion and walked over to mom and her friends and the pushy woman melded into the background.
Mom still didn't climb Mount Sinai.
And I am totally freaked out now by my psychic abilities. I'm concentrating on lottery numbers now. I'll let y'all know how that one goes!
Showing posts with label vacation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vacation. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
My Evil Ass Mother was Messing with my Head
My mother has just gotten back from a vacation. She was gone for more than two weeks. I'm just now mentioning it because I am a bit superstitious and wasn't really sure she'd be coming back alive. I just saw melodramatic flash through your mind. Stop that! I am not! Ok, fine, maybe I am. But only a little. But she does have a history of nearly dying on her vacation. (See the post from May called Family Road Trips-I have to figure out how to link here.)
So Mom went on a two week trip with her church group. They went to Cairo, Egypt, then Lebanon, then ended in Jerusalem, Israel. I had to talk her into going on the trip. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go. Then I started wondering who was going to watch my kids when she got pushed off of a mountain. It would be just like her to climb to the top of a pyramid and then have something crazy happen like a giant hawk swooping out of the sky and carrying her off to be used as food for the hawk's young. She's a small woman. It could happen! Can you even climb the pyramids?
I made certain demands of my mother before she went on this trip. I knew I wanted some kind of verification on a regular basis that she was alive. She refused to call because it would be very expensive. I talked her into texting occasionally since she has finally figured out how to text. She said she'd also email because one of the other women on the trip was going to do that.
The first text I got from her was:
Made it to new york city
mom
This text sounded exactly like her. I don't think she's figured out how to capitalize or use punctuation with her phone yet. So, no biggie here.
The next text was from Cairo.
Made it to cairo got an engraved neclace made for amanda mom
And then I got an email from my mother.
At first, I read this email and thought, Mom is having a fantastic time. This is right up her alley!
Then I didn't get anything for a couple of days and started to freak out. I think I was fairly justified for freaking out for a couple of reasons. My mother misspelled my name. I have had this name for more than 30 years! She had to assert her authorita with my father and demand to name me Amanda. (I was almost named Cleopatra--the whole name, her choice.) And then, my mother is a court reporter. She's been a court reporter for almost 35 years! This is what she does for a living, day in and day out. She gets paid to type and use proper capitalizations and occasionally, proper punctuation and grammar. And with this email, she can't spell my name right or capitalize or use proper punctuation?? What the hell?
Then I started to compose an email to send her in my head that went like this:
Then I told the husband about my planned email and my worries. He talked me out of sending the email. Told me I was being ludicrous, among other things. None of them were very flattering. Dammit. I think the nicest thing he called me was a drama queen.
So I had several large glasses of wine and calmed down a bit. Decided I could wait a couple of days for her next text or email.
It may have been a few bottles of wine, but they were bottles of Shiraz and ever so tasty.
Four interminable days later, she finally sent a text message.
Still in jordan madison fell off bus skined his arm mom
I have no idea who Madison is, but I know she went with a group of 30 or 40 people. The rest of the trip proceeded with the text messages. She and I are going to have some serious words when we finally talk about her attempts to scare the crap out of me when I see her tomorrow. She did get home today and was in bed by 7:15 p.m.
She didn't say a single word in her texts about any near fatal accidents, but she hasn't taken a trip in her life that didn't almost end with her death. I'll put up some pictures to when she sends me some.
So Mom went on a two week trip with her church group. They went to Cairo, Egypt, then Lebanon, then ended in Jerusalem, Israel. I had to talk her into going on the trip. She wasn't sure she even wanted to go. Then I started wondering who was going to watch my kids when she got pushed off of a mountain. It would be just like her to climb to the top of a pyramid and then have something crazy happen like a giant hawk swooping out of the sky and carrying her off to be used as food for the hawk's young. She's a small woman. It could happen! Can you even climb the pyramids?
I made certain demands of my mother before she went on this trip. I knew I wanted some kind of verification on a regular basis that she was alive. She refused to call because it would be very expensive. I talked her into texting occasionally since she has finally figured out how to text. She said she'd also email because one of the other women on the trip was going to do that.
The first text I got from her was:
Made it to new york city
mom
This text sounded exactly like her. I don't think she's figured out how to capitalize or use punctuation with her phone yet. So, no biggie here.
The next text was from Cairo.
Made it to cairo got an engraved neclace made for amanda mom
And then I got an email from my mother.
Amandaam
We are having fun. traveling with armed guard for security.
we are at st. caterines now.
Love, mom
At first, I read this email and thought, Mom is having a fantastic time. This is right up her alley!
Then I didn't get anything for a couple of days and started to freak out. I think I was fairly justified for freaking out for a couple of reasons. My mother misspelled my name. I have had this name for more than 30 years! She had to assert her authorita with my father and demand to name me Amanda. (I was almost named Cleopatra--the whole name, her choice.) And then, my mother is a court reporter. She's been a court reporter for almost 35 years! This is what she does for a living, day in and day out. She gets paid to type and use proper capitalizations and occasionally, proper punctuation and grammar. And with this email, she can't spell my name right or capitalize or use proper punctuation?? What the hell?
Then I started to compose an email to send her in my head that went like this:
Mother! This message is completely out of character for you! It's grammatically incorrect and the punctuation is missing and you haven't capitalized anything. And you spelled my name wrong. ME!! Your first born child!! Prove to me that you haven't been kidnapped by telling me how much you loved your last stepmother. If I don't get word from you soon, I'm calling the embassy. Your panicking daughter.
Then I told the husband about my planned email and my worries. He talked me out of sending the email. Told me I was being ludicrous, among other things. None of them were very flattering. Dammit. I think the nicest thing he called me was a drama queen.
So I had several large glasses of wine and calmed down a bit. Decided I could wait a couple of days for her next text or email.
It may have been a few bottles of wine, but they were bottles of Shiraz and ever so tasty.
Four interminable days later, she finally sent a text message.
Still in jordan madison fell off bus skined his arm mom
I have no idea who Madison is, but I know she went with a group of 30 or 40 people. The rest of the trip proceeded with the text messages. She and I are going to have some serious words when we finally talk about her attempts to scare the crap out of me when I see her tomorrow. She did get home today and was in bed by 7:15 p.m.
She didn't say a single word in her texts about any near fatal accidents, but she hasn't taken a trip in her life that didn't almost end with her death. I'll put up some pictures to when she sends me some.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Vacation blunders!
I'd warn you, both of my dear readers, that there are some gross pictures to follow, but as I already know you must have a pretty sick and twisted mind, I think this will serve as a disclaimer for anyone who happens to stumble upon my blog by chance. They are delightfully disgusting.
These are of special significance to me, because they are of my dear brothers, whom I sometimes despise. Why do I despise them? Because both of the buttheads can turn various shades of tan. The makeup I buy ranges from ivory to linen. What color make up would they wear? I don't know because I've never even bothered to look that dark in the makeup spectrum!!
Life is sometimes not fair. And sometimes, just sometimes, that works out in my favor. I learned as a very young person that sunburns hurt and you should always wear SPF "full body armor" if you plan to go to the beach and drink all day. My brothers were not as lucky as I was.
This is the before picture. Not so bad here. Somewhere in the medium tan range.
And then here are my genius brothers, showing their profound lack of common sense. Even our mother laughed at them.
And here they are, crispy fried chicken skins!
This picture requires a little bit of an explanation. This shows a previously unknown to the universe level of airheadedness. Not only does my brother, J, fry himself like bacon at the beach, but the next morning, when a little sense should have returned to him, he puts a nicotine patch on his arm. Why would he put it there? Why would he not put it on a spot that is not sunburned?? Was there a desire to further amuse me? I doubt it, but the thought does entertain me. This is the aftermath. Not only did he put the nicotine patch on the sunburned skin, but he ripped it off the next morning!
And all of the sudden, the peeling begins!
And here is the most disgusting picture of all! This looks like very finely sliced bacon coming off of my brother's head in strips.
So anyway, they're both single. I just thought I'd throw that out there. You know, in case some sick, twisted, awesome woman thought either one of them was even remotely cute and could stomach the thought of a guy who could be such an airhead.
These are of special significance to me, because they are of my dear brothers, whom I sometimes despise. Why do I despise them? Because both of the buttheads can turn various shades of tan. The makeup I buy ranges from ivory to linen. What color make up would they wear? I don't know because I've never even bothered to look that dark in the makeup spectrum!!
Life is sometimes not fair. And sometimes, just sometimes, that works out in my favor. I learned as a very young person that sunburns hurt and you should always wear SPF "full body armor" if you plan to go to the beach and drink all day. My brothers were not as lucky as I was.
This is the before picture. Not so bad here. Somewhere in the medium tan range.
And then here are my genius brothers, showing their profound lack of common sense. Even our mother laughed at them.
And here they are, crispy fried chicken skins!
This picture requires a little bit of an explanation. This shows a previously unknown to the universe level of airheadedness. Not only does my brother, J, fry himself like bacon at the beach, but the next morning, when a little sense should have returned to him, he puts a nicotine patch on his arm. Why would he put it there? Why would he not put it on a spot that is not sunburned?? Was there a desire to further amuse me? I doubt it, but the thought does entertain me. This is the aftermath. Not only did he put the nicotine patch on the sunburned skin, but he ripped it off the next morning!
And all of the sudden, the peeling begins!
And here is the most disgusting picture of all! This looks like very finely sliced bacon coming off of my brother's head in strips.
So anyway, they're both single. I just thought I'd throw that out there. You know, in case some sick, twisted, awesome woman thought either one of them was even remotely cute and could stomach the thought of a guy who could be such an airhead.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Observations from the vacation
I noticed a few things while on vacation with my family this week.
1. Everyone in my family finds sunburned skin on someone else irresistible. My brothers spent a common sense free day at the beach and came back very sunburned. They spent the rest of the week touching one another on their respective sunburned necks and arms and backs whenever the other wasn't looking.
2. My mother gets some sort of injury every time she goes on vacation. This trip was no exception. She rode on a Seg-way (it's a one manned vehicle you stand on) and managed to crash into a curb and skinned her knee. This was an exceptionally mild injury for her.
3. I have an easily turned stomach when it comes to certain food and my family knows this. Chicken skin is a substance I find revolting. I may be the only southerner with this affliction. I NEVER eat that slimy, disgusting substance. Every time we passed the Kentucky Fried Chicken with the "All You Can Eat" banner, Big Daddy Awesome and my brothers would ask me if I'd like to go in for some deep fried chicken skin. And then I would involuntarily retch.
4. There are a large number of women who feel the need to wear a bikini at the beach. The vast majority of them should not be wearing said bikinis.
5. Big Daddy Awesome was recently diagnosed with a shell fish allergy. By me. He did not appreciate being threatened with an Epi-pen stabbing to his thigh if his airway swelled shut, should he indulge in any shell fish. (What did he think would happen if he married a nurse?)
6. The most fascinating thing my children did was ride the shuttle bus in Colonial Williamsburg. They begged to get to ride the bus every day. Why couldn't they find anything else fascinating?
7. A two hour dinner at a period restaurant with entertainment by costumed interpreters is perfectly acceptable. An hour and a half at a breakfast joint is completely unacceptable and yet the norm. Do they really think I want to bask in the ambiance of their tacky fake plants and decades old plastic chairs?
8. The tunnels going under the river coming out of Norfolk have a strobe-like effect and make me dizzy. How do more wrecks not happen there? Why can't they have a single bridge that doesn't go under the water?
9. In Texas, streams are a maximum of 10 feet wide. In Virginia, streams are a minimum of 100 feet wide and there's probably a minimum depth of 15 feet. Those are called rivers in Texas.
10. My family seems to be the source of weather extremes when we travel. Virginia had record setting temperatures at least 3 days while we were there.
All in all, it was a fun vacation.
1. Everyone in my family finds sunburned skin on someone else irresistible. My brothers spent a common sense free day at the beach and came back very sunburned. They spent the rest of the week touching one another on their respective sunburned necks and arms and backs whenever the other wasn't looking.
2. My mother gets some sort of injury every time she goes on vacation. This trip was no exception. She rode on a Seg-way (it's a one manned vehicle you stand on) and managed to crash into a curb and skinned her knee. This was an exceptionally mild injury for her.
3. I have an easily turned stomach when it comes to certain food and my family knows this. Chicken skin is a substance I find revolting. I may be the only southerner with this affliction. I NEVER eat that slimy, disgusting substance. Every time we passed the Kentucky Fried Chicken with the "All You Can Eat" banner, Big Daddy Awesome and my brothers would ask me if I'd like to go in for some deep fried chicken skin. And then I would involuntarily retch.
4. There are a large number of women who feel the need to wear a bikini at the beach. The vast majority of them should not be wearing said bikinis.
5. Big Daddy Awesome was recently diagnosed with a shell fish allergy. By me. He did not appreciate being threatened with an Epi-pen stabbing to his thigh if his airway swelled shut, should he indulge in any shell fish. (What did he think would happen if he married a nurse?)
6. The most fascinating thing my children did was ride the shuttle bus in Colonial Williamsburg. They begged to get to ride the bus every day. Why couldn't they find anything else fascinating?
7. A two hour dinner at a period restaurant with entertainment by costumed interpreters is perfectly acceptable. An hour and a half at a breakfast joint is completely unacceptable and yet the norm. Do they really think I want to bask in the ambiance of their tacky fake plants and decades old plastic chairs?
8. The tunnels going under the river coming out of Norfolk have a strobe-like effect and make me dizzy. How do more wrecks not happen there? Why can't they have a single bridge that doesn't go under the water?
9. In Texas, streams are a maximum of 10 feet wide. In Virginia, streams are a minimum of 100 feet wide and there's probably a minimum depth of 15 feet. Those are called rivers in Texas.
10. My family seems to be the source of weather extremes when we travel. Virginia had record setting temperatures at least 3 days while we were there.
All in all, it was a fun vacation.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ale vs. Beer
Big Daddy Awesome and I have taken the munchkins to Colonial Williamsburg for vacation this week. We are here with my mother and brothers so I will have plenty of stories from this vacation. This conversation happened last night at dinner.
Logan has just gotten his ginger ale from the waitress and I've gotten my beer.
Logan: I'm drinking a beer.
Me: No baby. You're drinking ginger ale.
Logan: Momma, ale is a kind of beer, so I'm drinking Ginger Beer.
Me, speechless. I'm not sure if I'm utterly impressed with the genius that is my child and the logic going on in his brain or really worried about the fact that my 5 year old knows this much about beer already.
Disclaimer: I regularly enjoy a glass of beer or wine in front of my children. I do not discuss said beverages with them.
Logan has just gotten his ginger ale from the waitress and I've gotten my beer.
Logan: I'm drinking a beer.
Me: No baby. You're drinking ginger ale.
Logan: Momma, ale is a kind of beer, so I'm drinking Ginger Beer.
Me, speechless. I'm not sure if I'm utterly impressed with the genius that is my child and the logic going on in his brain or really worried about the fact that my 5 year old knows this much about beer already.
Disclaimer: I regularly enjoy a glass of beer or wine in front of my children. I do not discuss said beverages with them.
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