Foot in Mouth Disease

I have probably suffered from Foot in Mouth disease my entire life, but it has become more pronounced in the last few years. This is probably due in part to my ever increasing age and my shrinking ability to care what people think.

My friends and family know this about me very well. If you can be offended, I will offend you. If you're sensitive about something, I will comment on it. This comment will be offensive to everyone, not just you. I can't help it. My mouth opens and words come out and then I think about the words coming out of my mouth. This is one of the reasons I prefer to shop alone. This may also be the reason that the only person who ever asks me to go shopping with her is my mother.

So obviously, I'm headed towards a story. Here it is!

I was at Sam's the other day. Sam's would be the large wholesale cousin of Wal-Mart. There is a clothing section in the middle of the store. I was already irritated with the boys, so they were sitting in the shopping cart and were reasonably quiet.

The fact that my children were in the basket and being reasonably quiet must have made this poor, unsuspecting woman think that I was a good person to ask for an opinion. Or she was on crack, because I wouldn't ask me for my opinion. So she asks me if the short sleeved, long waisted cardigan is too tight on her.

Who in their right mind asks a perfect stranger a question like that????

So I looked at her and tried to give her an honest opinion.

"I'm really not the right person to ask because I don't like those sweaters. Unless you have really thin arms, they don't look good."

That entire phrase came out of my mouth. I didn't just think it. I said it. And then I realized what I said. What I said was a thinly veiled "Your arms are too fat for that sweater."

And then I stopped talking. I just looked at her. She looked at me. And then, like I hadn't said anything at all, she said,

"But is it too tight in the middle?"

I had to remind myself to speak. I told her "No. It's not too tight. It looks fine."

And then I walked hurriedly away.

I'm thinking about wearing a sign around my neck when I go out, warning passersby not to ask my opinion.